the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
