dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
