Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
