just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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