She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
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