Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
