I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
