I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Randomize