i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
