now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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