Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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