just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
