I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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