I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
