Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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