don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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