I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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