census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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