I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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