went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
