I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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