I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
