He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
