I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
