i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
