Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You pole danced in your parka.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
