Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
