You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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