that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I smell stomach acid.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
