see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
