i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
