He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
