remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
