I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
