someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
