I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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