apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
