I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
