Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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