my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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