I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
