Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
