what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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