Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
