You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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