I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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