Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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