there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
you would pick up someone in the library
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Found the puke drawer
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
