I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize