Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
