Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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