You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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