Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
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