he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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